she was so not down for the gang bang
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
She's like a pop up book from hell.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
