I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I'm passing your future prison.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
