Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
