there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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