I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
