FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Someone signed my nipple.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
