So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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