My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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