just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
