Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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