I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
