Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
