I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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