ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
