Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
