I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
My cat gives me a boner
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Randomize
