Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
