U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
