Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
