I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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