Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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