I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
