dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
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