I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
