I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
