when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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