remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Randomize
