I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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