would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
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Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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