I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
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Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
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At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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