i just made my gag reflex go away.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
