He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
