oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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