I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I think your dad took our porno
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
