This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
