My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
