as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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