She went from zero to smokin in five shots
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
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I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
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PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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