As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
