I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
