She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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