Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
