Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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