Pants 0. Shit 1.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
All I want is dick and wine.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
