I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
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i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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