What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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