So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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