Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
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is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
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... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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