nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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