I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
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next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize