I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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