Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
