HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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