I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
