Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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