please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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