last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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