I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
