We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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